I am Thompson Boy

Like a bad dream, I drifted in and out of this reality into a certain state of subconsciousness which is almost sickening to say the least. Don't remember what I've said and no idea what's going on tomorrow or even the following week. Very unlike me. I am still afraid to go to bed, refusing the eye shut even early into the morning. The lids on my eyes are telling me to go but somehow I can't. Remember the feeling that you know something is wrong and you just don't know what and can't place a name to it - that's the exact feeling. Funny enough, this has never been my style - when I need to slumber, I need to slumber, there's nothing to it. How about then the feeling about your heart beating so fast with breath that quickens - nope I didn't do anything aside giving him a call. A call that was unanswered. A call that was then later returned. So we are still friends. That's not something that I don't know of. I am not losing him completely. And s

I still can't sleep, trying to break the pattern of sleeping late and waking up early but everything just reminds me of you. I dreamt about you. It was about whys whys and more whys. I need to find a new routine, I cannot just spend my days drinking and burning money and not doing anything. Just remembered telling you back then that I am so scared of losing you. I didn't know how profound it was until now. I am just so fucked.

Something that I really wanted to tell him - I miss you, I miss you. I really really miss you. I called him up at midnight yesterday. No answer. What was I expecting? I cowardly switch off my phone. He asked about the call in the morning. I didn't say much later on. I can't tell anyone that I miss you. Not on FB. Not on Twitter. Not to my friends or those who are concerned. It's not something to talk about. You are supposed to be strong and carry on. I miss you.

Even if I am with people. I just want to go home and hide under cover.

Like everyone knows, first come the dark clouds then it's the thunderbolt and pouring rain. Eventually the rain will subside and perhaps a rainbow will appear? But disregard, I was feeling all thunderstormy - asking whys and looking for answers. As anyone with experience would tell you, it's a bad idea but I guess it's an idea that I felt I needed to explore. Of course I am angry because I was lead on for as long as I did. I even felt abit cheated because I thought everything was dandy and funky dory. But anger was quickly replaced with sadness because nothing hurts more than when someone tells you that they were unhappy. I remembered one fight that we had, I said that I was very concerned about making him happy. Him being happy is very important to me and if it meant not being with me, then so be it, as cliche as it may sound. Coupled that realization with the fact that he has moved on (thanks to FB, I can see some camwhoring pictures), so that is a good thing. Maybe one d

I know this is depressing topic but it's really my blog and I will write and say what I like. Sort of like theraphy. Usually I don't really approve of wallowing in depths of despair but I cannot help how I feel. There's a long holiday ahead of me and by right I should be enjoying and basking in every moment. However all I feel is void and there is alot of trip down memory lane, almost like a old broken VHS tape, rewinding all the moments that we've shared and just thinking about it makes me cry. Just looking at his pictures just make me cry. I don't think I am ready to look at it again, so I just put them away. As I told my friend, there are pockets here and there when I am ok, completely mindless and not thinking about anything but then there are moments in between that just hits you. Sure, it hasnt been too long but I am sure it will take some adjustment to my life. When I started, I had to make some adjustment as well...and now that I am used to that life - what

Full circle, broken hearted once again. I was scared at first but I knew I had to try. At the end, no questions were asked. I am at the stage and point of my life that I knew I gave everything that I could, did and tried everything and there will be things that I cannot change. It's not a matter of how much you give, try and change. Sometimes I wondered why I bothered but as long as I still breathe, I cannot just not try. All I wanted was a nice boy to love me. As much as I love him. But for some, that is too darn difficult.

Relationship - what's the big deal and why do we sought after it? Is it the illusion that everything will be alright once we find the right person or was it just fulfilling a life-long fantasy of actually holding someone's hand instead of imagining it over a sleepless rainy night? While many relish in the fact that they have finally found someone, but does that guarantee that everything will be hunky dory from that moment on? What if he is the complete opposite of how you imagined a relationship or even a boyfriend would be? Do you stick around and wait it out? What happenes when he doesn't like to hold your hands like most people do? What do you do when he tells you that he doesn't really enjoying kissing and how would you feel when you just brush aside comments such as "I miss you" or "I like you" and "I think about you today" and replaced it with just a sneer or worst still...an "ewww"? What can you do when he doesn't want