Flawless

As I got home from the wedding to a quiet house on a Saturday night and took off everything, something got me thinking. After watching bits here and there on the TV, I’ve decided to make most of the time that I have by uploading the pictures from phone. Besides there’s a year end evaluation form which I needed to complete. I am pretty bad at it – just uncomfortable selling myself but it’s something that I needed to do. I have just been confirmed after working for 3 months which is a good thing.

But nothing comes without a sacrifice. I was just having a drink (which went up to a couple) after work on Friday – it was a very long day and I was really drained and got to chatting with all my bosses about work, life and our current problems. On one hand I am glad that they acknowledged the fact that I have been putting up with all of nonsense ever since I’ve joined them. The most dire thing was that I am actually carrying out the task of 3 person. Not only that I need to look after my portfolio, I am actually overseeing my immediate manager’s work (because she’s unreliable and have been absence for work lately) and also been running tasks for another portfolio who has lost an executive a few months ago. Clients from those portfolio calls me up for work and update and immediately assumed that I am handling their work completely just because I was helping out in one task. It never ends.

More seems to come on my plate and sometimes I wondered how long more I can take it. They are actually worried about me, one of the director had a prep talk with me – I reassured him that it takes more than this to kill me. They are just worried that I will call it quits. In a way I actually surprised myself that I am much more capable than I give myself for. Going back to the drinks, the group account director was telling me about her non existence love and social life for years and it was only recently that she is beginning to take things easier.

It’s just something that one can’t explain but since we are all in the same boat, we sort of understand each another with regards to our feeling and outlook towards our work. It’s just no longer work but life itself. So what if we are not seeing anyone or chilling/rocking a 9 to 5 job? Well, most of the time, it doesn’t disturb me as much. But coming home from the wedding and also lately there have been this resolution between me and my colleague – I need to find a boyfriend for Christmas and she needs to get laid by then has gotten me thinking. So I was telling her that it’s less than a month away and it takes more than a miracle to make it happen. Hell, it would take two miracles.

Seeing my friend being so happy, I couldn’t help but feel the same way for her. Looking at the pictures, we all looked great and I can’t help looking at myself and wondered how come this guy – not entirely bad looking, with sense of (crappy) humor, sometimes witty, sometimes silly albeit spendthrift but always ambitious can go on single as long as he did. People tell me it’s because I did not do this or go there or etc etc hence it’s always my own fault that I ended up single.

I’ve shared a theory with Cookie – we can go all out and do this and that but wouldn’t be us. What kind of relationship can you build if we are not being ourselves? If you are really out there, you will be meeting people who are of the same kind. And I am not that kind. Besides I doubt it will work out because I can never date a person who needs to go out all the time and cannot imagine the idea of spending time at home doing nothing but chill. I know the right guy for me is out there. It’s just that he’s at home on a Sunday morning, reading or just catching up with TV, snuggling and tucked between his soft and cup of tea and not gotten to opportunity to meet me – vice versa. There’s no solution to that other than a chance meeting. Life is all about chances and probability and I am not even good at math (see what I mean by crappy humor).

So the next time someone tells you that it’s your fault that you are single, just tell them no. It’s not our fault. Maybe I am deluded or naïve as not to get my act together but that’s just me. I am flawless.

P.S Just bear with me, Christmas only comes once a year and there are a coupe of more wedding for me to get all emo about.