Tuesday, May 17, 2011

On changes & how I quit smoking PART 2

I just want to continue from where I left off on changing and changes. One of the biggest issue that I had with HIM (the so called ex) was that he felt I was changing to suit him alot - since when it's bad thing eh? But seriously when you are with someone, there's such thing called compromise and I believe changes is one of it. You have no choice but to shed certain things about yourself which to be truthful not very nice. I always believe in changing for better - sure you are not yourself anymore but who is, with experiences and ages, no one stays the same forever so the arguement of me changing and not being myself is pretty much BS.

While I was doing all the change, it took me awhile to see that he was changing and even if he was, it was for the worst. Before we got together, he didn't own an iPhone. After getting one, comes all the Grindr shit. Yes, I call it shit because he never lay his eyes or attention off it. The thing that irritates me most is not that because he's still on it but rather he's on it while he is with me. But he felt that I was being a case of jealous bitch and didn't trust him enough. My issue was mostly respect. Besides the lack of his respect that he has for me by using that piece of crap app when with me, he was constantly fixed on the phone. Until I banned him from using his phone. Of course that didn't turned out pretty. He argued that he has always been fixed on his phone anyway and I argued that he wasn't born with that damned gadget on his phone so don't tell me I am asking him to change himself for me. And getting back on the trust part, I didn't sneak around to look at his phone, I was just looking at our pictures and I bump into plenty of pictures that other guys send to him. Seriously is this a behaviour of someone who are into you?

At the end, I ended up apologizing, not because of the lack of respect for me part but rather I shouldn't have resorted to banning him. So on one hand, one is willing to change and make things work, the others just do as he pleases and changes when it suits him most. He said he put up with alot of my shit too and I admit that I have some (as though he doesn't have any)but I knew I brought so much to table, so much so that looking back, I was so desperate and so into him that I let him step on my head and basically 'used' me. I ended up giving and he just takes because I let him do that. It's not his fault. Anyone would have done the same. I give because I love him and he took because it's free and it's there. And you know what's the funniest thing? I paid for most of our dates and some are pretty expensive too and he actually earned much more than me.

The final thing that I did for him was to get him a job. Yes, he gotten it. Which is good for him. While I am not harped on people buying me meals, I don't remembered him thanking me specifically for the job nor offering to buy me lunch for helping him. I guess some people just doesn't change. And despite all that, I still get a thug or two to the heart when I talk to him. I guess that's what you call love, you still have feeling for a people after all the shit they've done to you.

But I came out from this learning alot. And yes I have changed too. I have quit smoking thanks to this and I will learn to put myself first the next time and try and not give too much of myself. I've learnt that I'm capable of changing and I will continue to change and hopefully for the better. Single or otherwise.

As for him, he will be around I guess somewhere or another. I have done the last thing I promised myself that I would do for him(the job thing) and from now, we are two seperate people living seperate lives.


1 comment:

Vincent~ said...

well love is blind... but at least u walked out from tat relationship a bit wiser. xD