Tuesday, April 05, 2016

So what do you do?

It's not conventional.

Then again everything about you is anything but conventional. There is something deeper and darker behind the veneer of a beautiful smile that I first saw so many moons ago in Berlin. I’ve asked myself then who is that beautiful person? But like many guys before you, I just walked away feeling undeserving of anything seemingly better than I am. And I like it that you are deeper than what you appeared to be. You are too beautiful for words, not perfect but beautiful to me.

But who would have thought? Here we are many months later, talking, gotten to know each another better and then what?

What do I want from you? Maybe a lot more than what you can offer. I tried for months to understand this arrangement. We are not dating and don’t get me wrong, I am not even rushing for a boyfriend or a relationship nor am I so worried about putting a status or label to something but this is new territory for me. We are friends but then again being this far apart from each another only promote snail like pace even for friendship. Meanwhile I am jealous and agonize over the fact that I am not getting more of you.

The only thing I can do right now to cut down, scale back and move back. So how does one revert back their feelings or take them back once it’s already out in the open? How does one be a friend once he tasted the sweet taste of your lips? Can one be satisfied with that? How does one go back to caring more like a friend now that he had cared so much more before? What does one do in situation such as this? I don’t have the answers.

One thing that I do know is that once I crossed this line back to just expecting nothing, soon there might be nothing. Can I live with nothing from you? It’s either that or nothing to do with you? Scientist and behavioral scientist said that habit is formed after doing certain things over a period of 28 days. It’s been more than habit, having you in my life. Maybe then all I need is time? Time to form a new habit, the habit of not 'having' you.

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