The thing with my life is that I seem to pick up things that I've read and observed along the way and somehow allowed it to gets into me and got me thinking about many aspects of how life is and should be. But then it's not like I am forever sitting down there, figuring things...I can be shallow and just shut off my brain when I want to.
One thing that gotten into me of late was through reading this book (I won't get into the depths of it) and the author was trying to tell me how he struggled through the years by being cranky and unhappy over a miserable childhood - I got to admit that minus the miserable childhood, we shared alot of similiarity and while it took him up to his 60s to realise that, I am begining to think about what makes me truly happy and the illusion of it.
I have always maintained that I am fairly ok, happy and doesn't complain much. But that seemed to be far from truth. I guess that's another thing about being in your 30s, you start thinking about alot of things and see things differently, this being told by my peers in their 30s to me when I was in my late 20s. Had a conversation with someone whom I have not met for years...I knew him when I just turned 20 and now we both grown alot older. He told me to not work through my 30s like how he did. He felt robbed of his years from 30s till 40s. I mean, everyone tries to find themselves in their 20s and hopefully found it by the time they hit 30s...and spend another decade hunting down money, career, love or whatever it is that the society impose and pressures us to do so. Plus, he gave me that advice mainly due to the fact that I am Chinese. We just can't help it. It's programmed in our dna and genes.
So the list of things to do and not do becomes longer...and at the back of my mind, I couldn't help but worry if time is running out for me. And I knew thought of it being that way before. Never ever, time was too much and aplenty (I remembered those college days of boredom and constantly being broke). It's worst when you see some of your peers have started on their next milestones in life - buying a new home, settling down with someone and have kids.
Somehow after visiting a friend who have a child, I couldn't help but to think if I was wrong to think that domesticated life is pretty dull - I mean it's not pretty but it almost looked rewarding and enriching in some ways. At least wealth is shared and doubled and there is not much difference between our lives - we both spend time at home anyway....she with her kid and home. Me with my TV and sofa. So what is really different then? Am I wasting and throwing out my life like that wondering? Is there more to life than that?
And I think there is. We work on a daily basis, 52 weeks a year just to afford some miserable days out in the sun and in the open doing things that actually make us happy and it won't be long before all our years are gone and then what? I am begining to think that (sure I love my job and it rewards me fairly well) there must be more to it. I want to retire in an island but why must wait until I am old and gray and almost disabled to do that? Why can't I work and holiday at the same time? Enjoy the life? I still don't have the answer to it...even if I have, it requires alot of brave decisions which I suspect the Chinese in me will be too coward to make. So what then? Do I sit here and wait? How long do I have to wait and waste?
This is not life.