There is something that has been bothering me for sometime now and I have yet to really open up to girls about it and I think it’s about time to fess up once and for all. This goes back to a few months ago where I had a privilege of getting to know this nice fella and it was only a few weeks ago that we actually met up for a drink thing. Of course we promised to go on an actual date some day and till now, it has yet to materialize.
I mean after dating or nearly getting for a few years now has taught me that this some day date thing if not pursued, will eventually turn into a never thing. However instead of being hot on the heels going after him, I took my time and well, I call him once in awhile, we exchange text messages and so on and so forth but nothing really took off. I guess I didn’t do enough and I know I didn’t.
I have been complaining for the longest time that you cannot find a nice decent average looking guy in the city with a few brain cells and can speak alright English and here in front of me is this guy. And as a bonus, he’s taller than me and seems keen to get to know me more. But I couldn’t understand what is wrong with me that I didn’t try and get to know him better. Years ago, I would have been talking to him on the phone for hours till end but these days, I am just interested in hi, how are you and goodnight.
I couldn’t help but wondered if I am actually not that interested with him or that I am actually really happy being single. I mean I am a creature of habit and being slightly involved in anything remotely as close to as being in a relationship means sacrificing and giving up on certain things in my life that I so cherished as a single person – do whatever I like and no excuse or explanation demanded and complete and total freedom. And I have really been very happy of late and comfortable just being who I am and living the life the way I like it. There are no complaints except perhaps for those few days in one year such as Christmas or birthday or when you are sick that you wished that you have a boyfriend but other than that, there’s no need for them to exist at all.
But I fear that most of all, deep down inside me – something that no single successful and fabulous gay man around town should say – the terrible truth that I am scared of being in a relationship? There I said it. Maybe I was afraid. Afraid of the drama and the pain and most of all, afraid of being disappointed over yet another unsuccessful relationship. I mean it was even written in the stars that I will never find success in that area so why should I even bothered going against fate?
Maybe there’s just no explanation to this than just not meant to be. Maybe one day I will find the right guy and be all excited about him. Maybe it will happen or maybe not. But till then I will continue to be happy as I am. It’s really not that bad and it’s the truth.