A vision that I don't want to see

So who would have thought that I’ve been reduced to this at all? Yes there was no excuse to bail out from it but somehow deep within myself I have felt that I have entered another phase of my life. Maybe just a small circle. I feel like keeping mum. The feelings and the questions, just put them aside but I guess it’s nothing compared to the intolerable boredom which I have suffered throughout the weeklong holiday.

It all started right from the beginning, in fact Lunar New Year’s eve itself whereby I was contemplating to either sleep or just read something since earlier the day and till late I have found myself walking non stops in malls. Guessed I was saved by a call from my boss to go out drinking. Yes I was that bored. Drinks. So throughout the holidays there was nothing much from my friend’s end as they have their family duty to perform and all the shops are closed.

The whole thing almost made me regret the fact that I passed over the offer for a free holiday overseas and come to think about it, next year it would be bye-bye Malaysia. Prior to that I was just thinking how absolutely divine it would be to finally have some rest; I was literally shitting bricks over the past few weeks rushing and finishing my New Year ad campaign that I found myself almost losing my cool and groove. Though there was some good news in the form of a promotion, increment and also mini bonus. Still nothing major compared to all that I have done but anyway that’s another story.

Maybe the problem is that I can’t lie down and stand still for a moment. I went back to work today for awhile after an excursion to KLCC meeting up Cookie and the girls for power lunch. There’s still one more day and I believe that I should very well make the best out of it. Have cleared away all the thrash that accumulates over the holiday and some financial loose ends here and there. Yes, there was plenty of spending and damages done and I can’t wait for the new statement to come. Oh joy.

Actually looking at the holidays and thinking about it for awhile I do feel there’s a sense of insecurity creeping up to me. I have seen it happened to so many others and I know one day it would be my turn as well. The holidays and New Year isn’t what it was when I was a kid and I have accepted that fact. The fact that as people grew older, they loses more friends and activities is another scary thing. Back then I have no worries of what to do, there’s always movies, this and that to do and now I am sick and tired of everything. No more visiting friends and those shits and I don’t really see my relatives.

After one year of absence from seeing them (due to the Bangkok trip last CNY), things has certainly changed. Many of my cousins are married and their kids are getting older and very soon the family would be too big to get together. My parents are not going to live forever and they are the one who made a big deal out of the holidays and as grudgingly as I was to go through the processes with them, many of the things are still happy traditions which sadly will end with me. I wouldn’t have a family to perform them later, no children to succeed me or for me to make a fuss over reunion. At most I might be able to join my sister…that is if she also gets marry and shit. At the end of the day many things are inevitable like getting old, gaining weights and growing crow’s feet. So at the end, you only have your friends to depend on if they are still going to be around. Looking at how occupied everyone is during the holiday season with either their other half or family, it made me truly lonely for once in a very very long time.

It does no one any good to linger on those thoughts which is why I found it very hard to write this. My girlfriends find me annoyingly positive and cheerful of late as they complained about their life and times and all I have to say about myself is that everything is fabulous. I do know what is fabulous though.

Returning back to my fabulous job on Thursday to my fabulous office and see my fabulous boss.