The Truth About Me

There was plenty occasions that I have attempted to write and somewhat clear some things about myself but I ended up deleting them, casting it aside and think, fuck that shit – why do I even have to bother? I mean if people think that I am this and that, so be it. You can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t. But then again, I have been unhappy lately thinking about certain things so just to clear the air:

Arrogance
Sorry people but I can’t help it. I was born that way. Even my mother tells me that I look damn arrogant, unfriendly and almost impossible. Everyone who knows me well will attest to that they think I was damn cocky until they gotten to know me. Maybe it’s the ice breaking part. I don’t do well with strangers or new people unless of course they are my client. Then I can be fake.

Other than that, it’s me and my cocky face. I look cold and unfriendly and have accepted the fact that I will always be that way. Is it my education? Or perhaps I think I am better than other people? Honestly speaking, I am not a nice person. I don’t know why people think I am. Maybe that’s why I repel men. Cookie asked me to change but that’s just not me. Should I just change just to get people to like me? In that sense, I am very much a Darcy. Wished I was the silent type like him. Problem is, I am arrogant and noisy. How does that work? I don’t know.

Another thing arrogant about me would be my preferences. I used to think it’s quirky but I now realized that I am quite the bitch. You know how a lot of people are very easy going on their choices of music, movies and etc but I am not. I have a particular preferences and I stick to it. Take for example, the girls would ask me out for a movie and if I don’t like or not interested with it, I wouldn’t watch it. My principle is that I wouldn’t want to waste time and money just to go out and do something that I don’t enjoy. But there are occasions which I surprisingly found myself enjoying it but that’s rare. So that’s just me.

But that doesn’t always work to my advantage. If a guy asks me out for a Jay Chou movie, I will roll my eyes. Ask me go to Beyonce’s concert – I will roll my eyes. Buys Dan Brown’s book or whatever that is hot on the list and I will roll my eyes. That’s the sort of person that I am. Not to say that I am very crassy or elegant shit because I do like some mainstream stuff but I guess I am holding on too much to my principles and to what I like. No compromise and I guess in many ways I can expect my friends to accept me and I can accept the fact that they like other things that I don’t but I can’t expect that from any men. Imagine telling your would be boyfriend to go watch that crappy generic assembly line churned Hollywood movie alone? Doesn’t work right? And so I have to compromise? What if I don’t? I believe that I have the Singaporean woman syndrome (won’t settle or compromise for anything less) and am always on the look for a partner that is a better person than I am. Usually better person are always on the lookout for even better person. Anyway, I digress so there you go. All my own doing and now I am reaping the bitter grapes that I sowed. If only I can press them into wines and get drunk on them.

Anorexia
My weight has never really been an issue other than the fact that people always ask me to eat more and say that I am not eating enough. The truth is I used to be quite chubby (yeah, I can hear everyone asking since when?) when I was a kid but when I hit puberty, I got really lean even though I ate a lot.

The truth is I am not anorexia or bulimic. Yes, I do sometimes choose my food, normally eat little portions and usually have vege. That’s because I love eating vege and try to be slighty healthy. I was brought up that way and I am cool with that. And then as age catches with you, no matter what you do, you will become fat. Something which I wished I can do but I can’t. I only gain the tummy but nothing else.

Can you imagine how ugly I can be – all skinny but with big tummy? I think I rather die. If I were to eat more, it will only come out. The thing is I have very bad indigestion which I inherited from my mother. She is just as skinny. When you have that condition, your system does not break down your meals properly and hence your body can’t absorb all the nutrition. How on earth can you gain weight like that?

This explains why I don’t and can’t gain that much of a weight. I also cannot eat a full meal and drinks tons of fluid or else, off to the toilet I go. It is also lucky or unlucky (whichever way you want to look at it), I am not a foodie. I eat to live and not live to eat like some people. I don’t get cravings for dessert or chocolate but just occasional KFC lust but then again that’s because fast food actually has the ingredient that gets our body addicted it to. Add that up to the fact that I am quite tall (again thanks to my mum’s genes) hence I am looking very scarily skinny. These days, with work and stress + smoking (suppress appetites), I can get dangerously underweight. I know I don’t look good if I were too skinny but I can’t help it.

So that’s the secret to my weight maintenance. No tricks, no gym, no purging. Nothing.

Still, all said and done even with all these so called problems that I know of and perhaps can think of a solution, I am not doing anything about them. That’s me at the end of the day. Can’t change it, won’t change it and I suppose I have to live with the consequences and have no one to blame but myself.


Credit - Edward Hopper - New York Movie 1939.