I know that by now I am comfortable in my own skin, knows what I want and like, what to achieve and my character would have been set for better or worst. But knowing that doesn't give a good night sleep. In fact I was troubled. Not by my own but by others. I slept only at 5 this morning.
The thing about me is, yes very true indeed that while I enjoy the occasional complaints now and then (ok, on a daily basis) it is not in my character to be sympathetic and tend not to be interested with any subjects other than my own. That makes me a very lousy listener, In fact for the past 8 months I have been hearing Upstairs' Bitch complaining about her job. I am having a headache just thinking about it.
And that's not about the only drama around here - take my dear Queen Bitch for example with her choice of unhappy career and substance abuse in the form of a man, While I have said it before many times in the past, we are very much alike - in terms of facing up to reality, I am much braver than her. At least my poison is just excessive shopping. With no emotional pawn.
Not that the shopping comes free and I am paying it on my own. Even at the risk of sending the wrong message - people already perceived me as snob and cares all about the material side of life, I think it's worth it. Because that makes me happy. I expect not for anyone else to buy things for me. I earn my own money and make myself happy.
Can I be more down to earth? I think I am down to earth. It's the person who asked me that question who needs to revaluate what is down to earth. Is down to earth meaning changing a few handphone when I have not bought one since college but instead getting hand me up from my sister? Does down to earth means you fly to this and that country on daddy's plastic when the only place I ever wanted to go was UK and I paid for the ticket entirely by my own savings? How about the expensive dining and shopping as well? I have ceased to shop anywhere else for sometime other than this small shop that sells t shirt for 20 bucks and plenty of bargain bin galore. So I really don't see whats so not down to earth about me when I am not expecting to get a boyfriend with a driver or company expense credit card.
I guess everyone has their own problems and drama in life. Some choose to be deluded and hide behind a fake positive façade while others rely on someone or something for support. One thing in common is that everyone is unhappy. Unhappy with their current life, current job, current lack of a boyfriend and etc. I was having my own panic attack (though I am blaming it on the tea that I had earlier) in bed earlier and started questioning my sanity and happiness as I reflect upon the problems that my friends are facing. It has dawned to me that I am 26, still very single and dying not to be not single. Am I going to end up alone? Unhappy? Bitter about life? I need to do something quick and drastic. It was the topic of a conversation that I had over drinks with Cookie the other day. I got so upset that I started chewing on his fries and demand a share of his burger at Alexis. We figured that this year, we need to be more proactive in getting a fella. Then we also concluded that that there's more to life than a bf. Either we have came to our senses or it was the martini doing the talking. But that was last week.
Yesterday in my bed, as I was panicking, with all the streams of anxiety running through me and suddenly I figured that if everyone were to be given a fella, things be better. Seriously, most of them will be happier. Even though having a boyfriend is no means to end all problems but for most it seems like the best solution to many of their problems. Having one not only boost your self confidence, but it also creates a positive domino effect in their life. You see things differently, future in different perspective. The chemical released in your body when you are in love or having sex can be good for you as it affects your mood, how you view and handle problems. Having a boyfriend gives you the false sense of security, something that you can turn to when problems come crashing in - in short, sort of like the placebo effect to the body.
It just hit me there and then to pray. I prayed to God that if there's a way to barter something in my life away. I would exchange the prospect of having someone for each and every one of my friend to have someone of their own. I feel so tired and helpless watching them being unhappy. I want them to be happy. It doesn't take me a lot to be happy because like Cookie said, I am always the crack queen whore who is always high on something and doesn't connect to anything. Yeah, don't go awww on me. If only it's that simple to keep their problems away - just having a bf. Well, at least it's a start. You need to tackle the problem from somewhere. No better place than the heart.
I really want no more drama in their lives. Nothing else gives me more satisfaction than seeing them happy. And with that, I can sleep much better at night. I love and need my sleep.