The thing about shopping alone and not smoking

There was a time I remembered how I really enjoyed smoking and typing my thoughts away. Smoking to me is more than just puffing and huffing and getting the highs. It’s not to so call release tension. It’s an excuse to walk away from a problem for a moment (spend it on smoking) and come back with a clearer mind. What am I saying? Smoking does release tension after all. It is not to look cool, what am I? 15? I really find solace in my smoking solitude. Imagine just hanging out at veranda, surrounded by greens, a cup of tea and just smoking the days away and not thinking about anything at all. That is my picture of heaven. I guess all said and done, I am not a person who is afraid of being alone just as long as I have my 20s pack.

But now without it, I feel naked. I feel vulnerable. I have all sorts of nonsense feelings and thoughts in my mind. Most of the time, I will not entertain them. But when I do, I write them all here. I used to have a diary though, noting down important things and stuff. Someone whom I chatted with said that reading my blog reveals another side of me. There were positive and negative comments. I will be the first to admit, too many typos and grammatical mistakes. Guess I never proof read it. Well, you know what after proof reading ads after ads (imagine some with one million addresses and those 4-pages of bank’s financial statement) the last thing I want to do is reread this stuff. Anyway I digress as usual. One of the remarks that I would have guessed is that I complained too much. I figured that since this is my blog then I could afford the luxury of complaining as much as I wanted to. Then again, complaining gets a bit tiring. No one wants to listen to you lament day in and day out about everything. Especially things that you thought you wanted so badly but turn out to be heartbreaking.

And one of the thing that I wanted the most is to be in a proper and stable, long lasting relationship. Candace Bushnell (if you don’t know who she is…) said that she figured the reason why some people are single is because they choose to. I never did agree with that. I never had the choice. I know I’ve always wanted this. But then did I really think it through. Dwell deep into it. Deduct the thoughts and the problem like my work? Sometimes when you put all these on paper, everything seems clearer and make more sense. As I walked by myself at 1U…I really enjoyed going shopping alone sometimes. I walk really fast like a horse and only a few girls can match it (Upstairs’ Bitch because she’s another shopaholic and my sister because she got long legs). Back to as I walked alone…I always sighed when I see really cute couples holding hands. Especially when I look at the boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong; they are not superhunk or anything like that. Just average joes. I find average to be really sexy. And deep down my heart, I felt abit of ache. An ache that says, wished I had someone like that. Hell, I deserved it because lets face it, I look better than the cow that they are holding hands with! Okay, self-mental note: another negative pointer – being deluded is not sexy.

So what am I trying to say? Rambling non-stop like a train (wreck) and all. I am comfortable being alone. I’ve never realised that its really good to be alone. You can just hop on to your car and drive yourself to shopping bliss. In fact, I have been so single all my life; I bet I wouldn’t know how to handle being attached. Maybe deep down inside me, I really do want to remain single. That should explain why I draw up so many pre-requisite in finding The Guy. That also explains why I am spending so much time thinking about it, writing about it and heck and complaining non-stop to my friend’s bleeding ears. Why not for once, stop thinking about it. I bet nobody spends half as much of their life, thinking, whining and talking about relationships (apart from Carrie but she’s fucking fabulous, so fuck off) and relationship comes to them naturally. You think those ah beng and ah lian think about this and that when they get hitched? It just happens. No need to reasoning. No need for explanation and deep thoughts. No need for deduction and analysis. Okay, so that’s a recipe for divorce but hey we are not talking about marriage here so there.

Maybe for once, I shouldn’t think. I need to focus, get all those thoughts out of me before it poisons me. Get all the nicotine out as well in the process. Btw, research shown that once a person stopped smoking for day, the body immediately begins to heal itself. If you stay off long enough, your lungs will be just as good as new. I bet mine is all tarred up and black. Sorry, where was I? Oh never mind. Just shut up ok Mr Niel?